So far on my trip I have found myself seeming to float along quite nicely physically and spiritually. I hadn't yet found much too physically or mentally trying along the way. I hadn't experienced much struggle or confusion. My prayers were seeming to flow out of my heart quite nicely. I never really had to walk far, work hard, or do much really for that matter. Its been all sights, fun, and a very enjoyable journey for the most part.
In this pleasurable monotony, I failed to acknowledge the accumulation of serious amounts of pride. Of course my prayers were flowing nicely, I gave no time for God to speak. Of course there was no hard walks, I payed a rickshaw or some form of transportation to take me everywhere in the heat. Of course I haven't worked hard, I have come on this journey with no real work or purpose in the first place.
Last week, Mike and I took a trek through one of the Himalaya mountain ranges up to Anna Purna Base Camp. This had to be one of the most physically and mentally trying things I have endured in quite some time. Instantly, my pride began to get put in check as I thought that I would have what it took physically to get through this, but quickly found that I was struggling just as much as some of the 60 yr. old+ men were. We made some good friends and I always seemed to trail the group of people hiking, and sweated more than anyone on the whole trek I believe. I had to accept the fact that I was not the yogic superman I had thought I was going into this trek, and had to be comfortable conquering this mountain at my own pace, even if it seemed far inferior to the physical level of the people I was traveling with.
After 8 days of beautiful views, tough full days of hiking, and also lots of fun, we finally made it back to lakeside Pokhara in Nepal. Now I was feeling overjoyed to be on flat land, and extremely proud of myself for making it through this. As we began relaxing and enjoying food and drink, my pride was haulted again by my own mouth. A close friend acknowledged my pompous and pretentious way of speech that sometimes intercedes more recent conversations, usually in reference to health and/or organic living. I was silenced immediately.
It hurts so bad to take a fall from the top of a house built of pride like this, and I assure you that I needed it very badly. Even after my small lesson with pride in the mountains, I puffed my chest right back up in comfort and spoke in pride again. I began to realize how often I let my own pride belittle and hurt those around me whom I love the most. I speak of unimportant things in such a way as to benefit only myself and not anyone participating and listening to my conversation. And when it comes down to it...I know nothing, I am nothing, and I was the one always at the back of the trail.
Thankfully, I had just prayed days before for a sort of "burning" off of sin, or in this case pride, just as the prophet Isaiah experienced. I got what I prayed for, and it was painful. For a day I sulked and over analyzed every short coming and prideful thought, and I believe it was all quite necessary. I am glad to serve a Maker who is in love with the one at the back of the trail. I am at peace now knowing that God comes to the rescue of those who experience this void of nothingness and has the love and power to build them back up. However, I never want to become the recent reflection of myself that I was shown again. I believe this build up of pride had built up a sort of barrier between God and I, and that it made my spiritual life only seem to glide along, when in reality...I was in need of a reality check.
When I was 17 years old I indulged in a tattoo on my shin that bears the banner, "Kill My Pride". At the time, I dont think I even really knew how important this cry would become in my life. God...Please Kill My Pride on a daily basis. In the last year I have realized just how devastating pride can be, and how much of it I have in my life that needs to be purged. I hope and pray that this purging continues daily. I have now experienced the pride before the fall that I have so often read about, and I am humbled to say the least.
Forgive me.
Grace and Peace.
Russ
A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you.-C.S. Lewis
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"The place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." Frederick Buechner
You soon will be returning to the States, a different man stepping into the same world. But as man who is deeply in love with Jesus you will be a rebel in that world. You will be counterculture. Love your neighbor, put others first, have joy in spite of your circumstances;be humble; the entire Bible is counterculture. Even when the world does good they do good because it makes them feel better. Christ-followers do good to others because they are in love with their bride-groom. It is like being nice to spouse's wicked, evil, crazy family because of your love of your spouse. Keep your heart finely tuned to God's heart and He will guide you and fill you with His purpose. Stay teachable Russ, continue to put pride to death in your life ( it is a life-long battle). Seek God in His Word. It will be life to your dry bones. Continue to cultivate a disciple of listening to God despite the noice around you. Reveal in God. Spend time on the steps of His throne and you will know from experience about the abundant life that Jesus promised.
Sandy
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