Kill My Pride

So far on my trip I have found myself seeming to float along quite nicely physically and spiritually. I hadn't yet found much too physically or mentally trying along the way. I hadn't experienced much struggle or confusion. My prayers were seeming to flow out of my heart quite nicely. I never really had to walk far, work hard, or do much really for that matter. Its been all sights, fun, and a very enjoyable journey for the most part.
In this pleasurable monotony, I failed to acknowledge the accumulation of serious amounts of pride. Of course my prayers were flowing nicely, I gave no time for God to speak. Of course there was no hard walks, I payed a rickshaw or some form of transportation to take me everywhere in the heat. Of course I haven't worked hard, I have come on this journey with no real work or purpose in the first place.
Last week, Mike and I took a trek through one of the Himalaya mountain ranges up to Anna Purna Base Camp. This had to be one of the most physically and mentally trying things I have endured in quite some time. Instantly, my pride began to get put in check as I thought that I would have what it took physically to get through this, but quickly found that I was struggling just as much as some of the 60 yr. old+ men were. We made some good friends and I always seemed to trail the group of people hiking, and sweated more than anyone on the whole trek I believe. I had to accept the fact that I was not the yogic superman I had thought I was going into this trek, and had to be comfortable conquering this mountain at my own pace, even if it seemed far inferior to the physical level of the people I was traveling with.
After 8 days of beautiful views, tough full days of hiking, and also lots of fun, we finally made it back to lakeside Pokhara in Nepal. Now I was feeling overjoyed to be on flat land, and extremely proud of myself for making it through this. As we began relaxing and enjoying food and drink, my pride was haulted again by my own mouth. A close friend acknowledged my pompous and pretentious way of speech that sometimes intercedes more recent conversations, usually in reference to health and/or organic living. I was silenced immediately.
It hurts so bad to take a fall from the top of a house built of pride like this, and I assure you that I needed it very badly. Even after my small lesson with pride in the mountains, I puffed my chest right back up in comfort and spoke in pride again. I began to realize how often I let my own pride belittle and hurt those around me whom I love the most. I speak of unimportant things in such a way as to benefit only myself and not anyone participating and listening to my conversation. And when it comes down to it...I know nothing, I am nothing, and I was the one always at the back of the trail.
Thankfully, I had just prayed days before for a sort of "burning" off of sin, or in this case pride, just as the prophet Isaiah experienced. I got what I prayed for, and it was painful. For a day I sulked and over analyzed every short coming and prideful thought, and I believe it was all quite necessary. I am glad to serve a Maker who is in love with the one at the back of the trail. I am at peace now knowing that God comes to the rescue of those who experience this void of nothingness and has the love and power to build them back up. However, I never want to become the recent reflection of myself that I was shown again. I believe this build up of pride had built up a sort of barrier between God and I, and that it made my spiritual life only seem to glide along, when in reality...I was in need of a reality check.
When I was 17 years old I indulged in a tattoo on my shin that bears the banner, "Kill My Pride". At the time, I dont think I even really knew how important this cry would become in my life. God...Please Kill My Pride on a daily basis. In the last year I have realized just how devastating pride can be, and how much of it I have in my life that needs to be purged. I hope and pray that this purging continues daily. I have now experienced the pride before the fall that I have so often read about, and I am humbled to say the least.
Forgive me.
Grace and Peace.
Russ
A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you.-C.S. Lewis

still the same...

Or at least I still "feel" the same.
After two months now of traveling through two countries so different from mine, how could I possibly still feel the same?
Yes, I have experienced much and seen a lot, but yet as I come to the the last few weeks of my trip, I know I will be returning home with just as much confusion and bewilderment at what to do with this life God has given me.
Going home for me is exciting to see the people I love, however I am quite fearful of falling back into old patterns, and not being able to follow through on some sort of passionate goal in furthering the Kingdom of God here on earth. I dont want to be rich, or famous, or popular, or smart, or well spoken. I especially do not want to participate in the mundane. I am fearful to lose my spark and passion for this journey and life that God has called us to live.
So...I guess its begins with that. Avoid the standard, and strive for something larger than me.
Now if I just knew where to start?
Grace and Peace.
Russ
Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." (Harold Whitman)